A letter to Peanut Butter

Dear Peanut Butter,

This relationship is over. I have tried making it work, fitting you into my life, but I no longer can. I have to work on myself, and I can't do that with you always around, lurking in every cupboard, always calling to me.

You tempt me too much with your peanuty goodness. Why do you taste so good in everything from cookies, cakes, chocolate...it is just not fair. I can't handle it.

I have tried to just be friends, to hang out together on weekends, but it does not work for me. The rest of the week I keep thinking about you. I need to start fresh, break free. As soon as I let you into my life just a little, you show up places uninvited, like my hips and thighs. I have had enough, it has to end.

Maybe one day we could meet again, perhaps for breakfast, share some toast. For now, I have to say goodbye. Please don't call me, I will call you.

Sincerely,
Janice

A new day.

This morning I was determined to get rid of my funk, and get out of the house. I go to the gym on Wednesday mornings to do an hour and a half class. Half cardio, half strength training. I love that class, I love how I feel like jello after, and I love how I feel for the rest of the day. It is still very cold, so I bundled myself and the kids up warm, and we headed out.

The roads were horrible, and I was stressed, but it would all be worth it to sweat it off! So the kids happily trotted off to school, and off I went to the gym. The roads were still bad, and my fingers were frozen, but it would all be okay, soon enough I would be warm. I walk up to the counter at the gym, and sense something is terribly wrong. No class slips are sitting there on the counter. The sweet lady tells me the class has been cancelled, sorry about that. As my lower lip starts to quiver I suck in a deep breath, give a very fake smile, and say "Oh, no problem." I drove back home feeling very sorry for myself, came in the door and cried. I know. Crazy.

Then, a light bulb moment. I am crying over missing a class at the gym. How absurd, how fabulous! Three years ago, I would have cried if someone had made me go to the gym! It is a part of me now, and even though my morning sucked, I feel better now. I like my new crazy self better than my old sad self.

The best thing about my morning however, was reading your lovely comments. It cheered me up tremendously. Thanks Katie for calling me a cute mommy, it made me smile.

Baby it's cold outside.

Well, it is still really cold. I am no longer patient. (okay, I never really was patient, but now I got nothing left) I live in Canada, it is colder here than a lot of places, but really, it is just crazier than usual cold. I am in a funk, and I hate it. Anyone want to go to Mexico?

Longing for Spring

It is cold here right now. Very, very cold. Forty below zero, plus wind chill. Yup, I know, I am insane for living here. I refused to even drive to my aerobics class this morning, and I am a die hard for my aerobics class. So, today I have wanted to sit, eat, and oh, eat some more. I am going a little crazy. I have made some good choices though, so hooray for me. I went on my treadmill, I lifted weights, and I even made cards so my hands would be busy. I ache for spring right now, that smell in the air, green grass, the feel of the warm sun on my skin. In the meantime, I had better find another hobby, I feel like a snack again.

A conversation with a six year old.

This is not weight loss related, but laughter is good for you right? This is a conversation I had with my six year old son after school yesterday.

Ben: Mom, you know what is gross?
Me: (thinking, oh no, what now?) What is gross Ben?
Ben: There is a boy in my class who has a cush on two girls. Gross hey?
Me: Oh, that is gross. What is a cush?
Ben: You know, when a boy wants to marry a girl.
Me: Oh, you mean a crush.
Ben: Well, I guess you could call it that. Cush is just a different language, but it means the same thing.
Me: I guess you learn something new every day.
Ben: That is why you have me around Mom.

Boys. Gotta love 'em.

Staying busy

I need to stay busy, most of the time that is not a problem for me. However, the days when I am not, I eat way too much. It does not matter if I am hungry or not, for me boredom equals food. It has been like that for as long as I can remember. It drives me crazy!! I will go and open the pantry and have a conversation with myself.

Healthy me: Why am I looking in the pantry? I am not really hungry.
Inner Fat chick: I feel like eating just a little something, oh look, peanuts!
Healthy me: I should not eat peanuts
Inner Fat chick: mmmmm...peanuts.

Guess who usually wins? That is why when I have lots of tempting snack food in the house, no matter what, I will gain weight that week. It drives me nuts. I do not understand people who can just eat half of a burger, or a few bites of a chocolate bar. That is not in my DNA.

Crap. Now I want peanuts.

It's the little things.

I love little things. The smaller, the cuter, the better. Today I realized how little things help me on my journey to keep this weight off. I have a hard time not eating when food is around me. I just want it in my mouth! So, packing the kids lunches can sometimes be a challenge. I made mini muffins the other day, and they are the perfect little snack! I love Clementine's, little, and delicious. I have to be careful though, those mini chocolate bars get me. I can not just have one! I think just taking the time to figure out what you can handle in moderation, and what you can not even bring in the house is a huge step to weight loss.

Sometimes weight loss, or life, can seem too much, too big, too overwhelming. Thinking small sometimes helps. When I do not feel like exercise, I can make myself do a few sit ups while I watch TV, or take the dog around the block instead of a 5km run. Every small choice can make a big difference in the long run.

Light Bulb Moment

Since I have lost a bunch of weight, I do get asked a lot what my light bulb moment was. It was my rock bottom moment. I was in a plus sized store, trying on skirts and dresses for my husbands parents 40th wedding anniversary. I was in the dressing room, and I held up this skirt that I thought looked huge for me, and when I put it on it was way to small. I went home and felt sorry for myself all day. I was in the shower the next morning, and I prayed to God that he would please, please, just take it all away. Take this extra person of fat off of me. I cried, and cried, and kept crying. That next day I joined Weight Watchers. I told my husband I was not going to quit this time, no matter what. I was going to do it, even if it took 10 years to get it off! That was June 2, 2005. It took me just over a year and a half to get it off, and I have kept it off for a year now. God did not take the fat off of me that day like I asked him to. He just gave me the strength I needed to not give up, to keep on trying, and to finish what I started. I still keep track of what I eat every day, I still have to keep on top of my weight, or the pounds creep back on. It is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life, and one I plan on winning.

Before and After

This is the part that still makes me cry a little. The before shot. You know, I never really saw myself as this overweight. I just thought of myself as pleasantly plump, the cute chubby girl. The camera does not lie, I was lying to myself.

This is a blog to tell my story. I think we all have a story to tell, and in telling it we can see how far we have come, or maybe get a glimpse of where we need to go. My name is Janice, and I have lost over 120 pounds. I have kept it off now for over a year, and hope with all my heart I beat the odds and keep it off for the rest of my life. This is my goal, this is my journey, this is my story.